My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.