As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.