#SuperBowl
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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.