When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Whoa… oh I see lol
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.