Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets