Confused owl: What?!
You Might Also Like
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.