nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
The cashier just checked me out.
🔦🌙👣
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..