My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
You Might Also Like
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease