*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
not to brag, but mine was free
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home