My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies