When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?