corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
#oldknees
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool