[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door