When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”