I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Love this guy
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
what’s really going on
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!