Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
You Might Also Like
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]