Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
welp
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.