Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?