Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Animal poetry
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob