i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Lmao
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Cat.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs