[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.