cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me sliding into hell like
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.