*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
a god among men
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car