My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
#Caturday
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN