Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem