The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”