My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.