2022 will be better than 2021
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.