ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
car not found
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!