ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I think I’ll stand
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.