No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice