me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.