FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.