“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.