My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.