You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
You Might Also Like
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
what does he know…
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Well, that should do it
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered