Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?