No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.