me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.