I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.