I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law