if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo