Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
peak technology
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going