I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.