i now pronounce you bounced.
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
How it started: How it’s going:
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
When you take Google Maps too seriously.