I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I need this for my side hustle.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.