Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
reminder
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: