*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
それは草
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I really had high hopes for this year though
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary