If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—