YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You Might Also Like
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭